I love life…

Hey everybody.  It’s been a couple of days since I posted.  I hope everybody’s doing fantastically.

I was reflecting last night about the miracle that is life…  Those who know me well know that I have had more death in my life than I’d like to admit.  B., J., etc.  Death isn’t pretty, and it’s certainly not fun.  But you know what, all it does is symbolize what life really means…  Loving it too much to want to see it end.

I love my life.  I’ll freely and truly admit that, especially now with this dumb diet I’m on paired with Metformin, I’ve ranted and raved about how I hate what life is dumping on me, suckage, etc. etc. etc….  But the truth is that while life can be difficult it’s also hella beautiful.  God is out there…  No matter what you call Him/Her.  And He/She created this amazing planet with amazing people and amazing creatures and amazing sights.

There’s no way I can actually believe that this planet was created out of the blue.  There is a purpose here.  I hate to go on a rant again, but I hear all those cynics out there who say it’s not worth it, life’s not worth living, whatever.  Life is so worth living, people!  There’s so much to do and so much to see and so much to believe in and love and embrace.  There’s no reason to just sit on the couch and watch it go by.

I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love this city.  I love being able to jump in my car and go anywhere because I have the freedom to.  I love knowing that there’s Someone out there who knows I’m confused about where I’m going in my life, and who knows I’ll find out sometime soon.  I love the beauty of nature, I love animals.  (As if you all didn’t already know that!)

If I ever, ever complain about the way my life is going in a future post, you must know this for a fact:  I love my life, and I wouldn’t trade with anyone.  I would certainly share it, but I wouldn’t trade it.  I do not need money or fancy cars or expensive clothes to make it through this life.  I don’t need to know “everyone who is anyone,” or build a huge house, or buy lots of things to fill it with to be happy.  All I need is what I’ve got, and maybe a little more motivation to DO MORE.  All I need are my friends, my family, my cats, and all the opportunities I can take.

Life can toss you opportunities as well as “crap.”  But it’s all a part of life, not a roadblock to keep you from living life.

Like my diet – I can live with it.  I’ll admit it – I need to lose weight, my blood sugar is way high.  I need to eat right and exercise, and I’m lucky to have the doctor I do who will actually take steps to help me, like prescribing Metformin and giving me guidelines to work with.

And the death of my friends – It’s sad, yes, but the grief will pass.  I know they are with me always.

And the irritation I feel with my friends and family sometimes – That too, shall pass.

Here I am.  I am alive.  I am touched by others.  I am touched by life.

Here I will say – Yes, children, life is worth everything.  Life is worth living.

Just because it’s nearing Halloween…

The one thing I would love to do is to travel around the States and visit places that have been reported haunted. Here’s a list (and this is just so far!):

Waverly Hills Sanitorium – Louisville, Kentucky
Myrtles Plantation – St. Francisville, Louisiana
Villisca Axe Murder House – Villisca, Iowa
The Bell Witch Cave – Adams, Tennessee

Websites to visit:

Haunted Diary
Ghosts Of The Prairie
World Of The Strange
P.R.I.S.M. (Paranormal Investigators)

If anyone wants to help me plan a trip for NEXT year, around this time, please contact me!!!

STFU.

…I mean it.

Nighttime…

It’s daytime, but the night is always when I hear things, see things, feel things, whatever.

Take last night.  I was simply lying in bed reading a book, and one of my books on the paranormal fell off the dresser.  As in, slid off the top of another book and floated to the floor.

OK, I’m used to this kind of thing.  It happens all the damn time.  But what am I supposed to tell other people – guests in my house, etc.?  Am I just supposed to pretend it doesn’t happen??

Seems like…

Seems almost like I can’t be truthful about most things…  Seems like no one wants to really love me…  Seems like I can’t get enough of feeling sorry for myself…

Seems like I can’t shut up about the little things…  Seems like nothing ever wants to go my way…  Seems like I’ll never get out of this town…

Three Monologues from “ASTRAY”

The character is Deena…

You see us every day. You pass us by every day, whether in the hallways or in the streets. We don’t like being who we are, yet we’re forced to stay with the identities we’ve been handed out. Our assignments are unpleasant and our smiles are stiff and forced. We’re all here, though, however much we hate it. We disgust ourselves, and we look for ways out. Whether we change our appearances or just segregate ourselves from the crowds, we’ll never be one of the crowd anyway. It’s clear to us all that we’re not welcome because we’re not a clone. For some of us that’s fine, but for others it’s not enough. There are ways out, of course. Suicide, finally moving out and starting a new life with new people… But who we were always stick with us, and it will always be difficult to leave behind. We’ll never stop being bitter, we’ll never know a day when we can look in the mirror and be disgusted with what we see. It sticks. And that hurts. Search for self, for us, always ends in full circle, and we’re back where we started. For us, the stage lights are always on someone else. We’re setpieces. We’re not even scene extras. Imagine that, tough guys. Imagine never having the spotlight and always having to deal with that. Imagine the bitterness, day in and day out, constantly nagging at the back of your throat and center of your heart and never relenting. Imagine being the one stuck in the corner with no one to dance with and yet never coming up with the smart idea of not even going to the prom. No, we won’t have that. We’ll be wherever you are. Because sunflowers always turn their faces to the light… Always…

I don’t think you’re in a position to tell me off. I mean, here you are, Homecoming King, popular guy, good-looking, got-it-all. But there’s something missing, isn’t there? There’s something missing in everyone’s heart, and I’m no exception. I walk around looking like I haven’t seen a dreary day in my life, but mister, there have been plenty of dreary days for me, and they still haunt me as I stand here and speak to you. I don’t know what you want to hear, but I’m not going to present myself to you in a manner of pity-me, I’m-heartbroken, stop-hating-I’m-broken beggar… Although my heart is broken, and although I am broken, I’m not going to fall on the floor and say, “You need to love me, because I have never had anyone love me.” Because that’s a lie. I’ve had plenty of people love me, women and men, family and friends, strangers and pen-pals, what-have-you. So I’m not going to be pompous and say that it doesn’t hurt when it sure as hell does. Yeah, I’m in love with you, and no, I can’t help it. Your emotions don’t wait for the word go from your brain. Your heart doesn’t stop beating just because you want to stop loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It doesn’t work that way. Instead, I’ve got to find some way to forget you, although it’s going to be hard. I mean, who wants to fall in love with the most sought-after guy in your high school when your heart is still burned and broken from the last time you used it? Who wants to be in love with someone who never speaks to you except when you get the moxy to go up and talk to him after burying your lover and your heart with him? No one wants that. I mean, you say, “Do you think I like to be the person you’re in love with?” And I say, “Do you think I like being the one who’s in love with you?” Do you really think I enjoy this? Do you think I enjoy having my oft-broken heart stomped on again? Because that’s what you’re doing. And I don’t like having to be the one to stand here in front of you and admit it.

Look, I feel pathetic, okay? Pathetic and stupid, cowardly, tiny, like an idiot, a freak. What else do you want me to say? I put myself out there, and for what? I was out on this precarious ledge, and you decided it was time to knock me down. Maybe not consciously, but here I am, on the floor. I feel like I’m smashed into tiny pieces… And I’m not sure if you care or not. I mean, you’re just standing silently by over there… Are you waiting for a clue? Am I an enigma? I feel like an enigma. I can’t even unravel the mystery of my own being. Do you know how that feels? I mean, everyone has to have a crisis while unraveling their identity. I have no identity. I’m just here, I’m just a wall-covering for people to scrutinize. And I’m not even a pretty wall-covering. Maybe if I were pretty, things would be a lot better, feel a lot better from my perspective. But I don’t have that luxury, unlike you and your stupid little friends. I’ll be the same ugly duckling as long as you know me and longer. Do you think I’ll enjoy that? I would much rather be elsewhere. I don’t like hurting this much. I feel used and dirty and… Pathetic. Invisible. I don’t know the words to describe it. It’s like I’m not even here. …Maybe I am invisible.

Automatic Writing & Lyrics

I got all this automatic writing from a session I started when trying to figure something out for a friend.  Maybe this’ll help.

name ashley name jason name joey feel anger greed maybe on drugs speed cocaine joey joey joey joey joey joey joey joey accomplice not giving name malevolent angry accomplice drove joey following jason gained trust got high knife poison drugs dropped phone grabbed wrong phone run run run joey joey joey joey joey joey joey joey joey joey silence ashley yes i’m fine yes i’m fine hug find cell phone chip last call to accomplice drug dealer joey drug dealer joey money money

And that’s all I got.

CONFESSIONAL

It came to my attention that I might love you/as much as you may want me to deny it/you inadvertently took my heart from me forcefully/I can’t control my own feelings for you/although I’ve been wishing to be able to/now I’m wondering why this feels like self-betrayal/I’ve gotten hung-up and maybe a little obsessed/not like you didn’t know but I feel a bit depressed/and I feel like hell because of my own infatuation/Although I’m here confessing it hurts to see you/because it’s obvious you’re not so into me/and I’m trying to prove to you this point/Yes…  I love you in a thousand ways/a thousand ways that you couldn’t possibly see/in a million ways I’m just too far gone/I wish you could see that I’m not trying to change you/I’m not trying to make things hard for you/I’m not trying to destroy your way of being/I’m just being a stupid little girl/making love to a microphone/just loving you and needing you and telling you the truth/that I love you so much/that I love you so…  badly.

The Girl Inside The Girl

everybody wants her.  everybody needs her.  everybody wants to grab a piece of her life.  but nobody gets her.  and nobody knows her.  and nobody’s ever gonna call her his wife.  ‘CAUSE SHE’S THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL INSIDE THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL YOU NEVER FIND.  NOT IN YOUR HEART OR IN YOUR MIND.  everybody sees her.  everybody hears her.  everybody’s hot to know her phone and her address.  but nobody has her.  and nobody calls her.  and nobody’s ever gonna see her undress.  ‘CAUSE SHE’S THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL INSIDE THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL YOU NEVER FIND.  NOT IN YOUR HEART OR IN YOUR MIND.  everybody loves her.  everybody craves her.  everybody wants to know how to get her hot.  but nobody makes her.  and nobody takes her.  and only one man is ever gonna get a shot.  ‘CAUSE SHE’S THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL INSIDE THE GIRL.  SHE’S THE GIRL YOU NEVER FIND.  NOT IN YOUR HEART OR IN YOUR MIND.  you can give her all your money till you’re totally broke.  you can christen her with diamonds.  you can sprinkle her with coke.  but you’ll never ever have her.  and you’ll never ever know her.  ’cause she’s the girl.  she’s the girl inside the girl.

Dresses & French Fries

Oh, wow.  Like this is anything new.

I’m back into my passion for bridal with a vengeance.  Buying bridal magazines, visiting great bridal websites - basically all the things that label me obsessive.

Oh, and I had my first French Fries in about oh maybe two months.

Ummm.

Doo doo doo doo…

I had my same lovely dream about you-know-who last night.
I wish it’d go away.
So unrealistic.