The Brain of The Harry Potter Fan

 

Being a Harry Potter fan is like being locked in a long chamber of secrets.  Siriusly, no one truly knows half of what’s going on.  All they know is that they are the supreme fan and that all others are dust-eating Doxies.

Truthfully, no scientist has ever been able to crack the code of Harry Potter fans-they apparently speak Serpent Tongue while around each other.  They are, however, proved to use a system when speaking about each other’s personalities, such as, “He’s such a Fred,” or, “What a Draco!”

As you can see, the average Harry Potter fan has no life whatsoever, and normally split their time between reading the books, listening to the books on tape, watching the DVDs avidly with their tongues hanging out, in Harry Potter chat rooms, or reading Harry Potter fanfictions on fanfiction.net.

Their brains were snapped up by the Monster Book of Monsters long ago.

 

Greeting A Harry Potter Fan

 

You will know a Harry Potter fan by either a T-shirt or a greeting of, “Blown up a toilet?  We’ve never blown up a toilet!”  I’m sure you’ve heard someone mutter under their breath on the bus, “Sunshine daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow.”  That, my dear, is a Harry Potter fan.

Don’t even bother saying hello.  The poor thing won’t even notice you’re there.  He or she will be too interested in the GameBoy Advance in which he’s playing the game for the third book.

If you give him a compliment, such as, “I like your hat,” the Harry Potter fan will promptly say, “It’s a perfect replica of the Sorting Hat.  It even sings the song from Harry Potter’s first year at Hogwarts!”

The best thing to do, if you absolutely must speak to a Harry Potter fan, is to very carefully nudge him and say, “Oi, there, care for an Every Flavor Bean?”  But be careful when you do this, as he may jump up rabidly and yell, “Nitwit!  Blubber!  Oddment!  Tweak!”

To this, you may be a little bit baffled.  But none’s the worry, he may not even notice.  If he does, answer, very carefully, “Is he-a bit mad?”

To this, he will say, “Mad?  He’s a genius!  Best wizard in the world!  But he is a bit mad, yes.  Potatoes, Harry?”

The only answer to this, of course, is to let your mouth fall open.

 

Types of Harry Potter Fans

 

Of course, you can classify the types of Harry Potter fans into Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Slytherins, and Ravenclaws, with the occasional Poltergeist, or Professor.  It will be easy to identify them, by what they wear, what they say, how they act, and their abilities.  There are also specific classifications among them, such as Muggles, Wizards, Squibs, and, among the Slytherins, Mudbloods.

A Gryffindor is classified by his or her bullheadedness.  If you see someone wearing only red and gold, you’ve got yourself a Gryffindor.

A Hufflepuff is identified by his or her emptyheadedness.  There seems to be nothing within their brains, but in the end you will find that they’re quite clever in the long run.

A Slytherin…  Well, enough said.

Ravenclaws are identified by their use of large words and ability to define things at a moment’s notice.  Be careful with them, though.

Poltergeists are obvious, because they love to play pranks.  “GOT YOUR CONK!” is a popular war cry, and the most popular song sung by any poltergeist will always be, “Oh Potter, You Rotter!”

The Professors are always literate in one magical subject.  Be careful, though.  Divination professors are a little insane, and Defense Against the Dark Arts professors are known to come and go.

Muggles are people that know nothing about the beloved series, Wizards are the ones who are literate in Harry Potter culture, Squibs are half in and half out, and let’s not get into the Mudbloods, please.

 

The Culture of the Candy

 

It can be said that all Harry Potter fans are partial to the candy that manufacturers have put out to be similar to the candy the characters in the books eat, and some of these candies are Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, Ice Mice, and Chocolate Frogs.

Most of them are just pure chocolate, and yes, there are Every Flavor Beans in the notorious pepper flavor, but rest assured, I haven’t yet tasted a vomit-flavorited bean yet!

The candy has been seen in the hands of Harry Potter fans everywhere, and are probably most esteemed in their eyes.  I’ve heard that there are also Acid Pops.  I really wouldn’t want to even try one of these.  I’d rather keep my tongue nice and whole, the way it is, please and thank you.

I find it a little hard to believe that there is a candy out there that makes you vomit-and then the other end makes you stop vomiting.  It seems a little out-there that Fred and George even had the remotest idea to invent something like that…

 

But please, do not tell that to the avid Harry Potter fan, for they believe that the books really happened, that there really is a Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and that Professor Snape is really as slimeball-icky as he seems to be.  I only had that notion after I finished Book Five with a box of tissues.

 

The Issue of You-Know-Who

 

The thought of the Dark Lord Voldemort gives me shivers, yes, but it seems that once he gets ahold of Harry, life for wizards and Muggles everywhere will get, ah, a little darker.  I shudder to think what would happen if there really were a You-Know-Who out there!  But really, let’s get Sirius.  I didn’t get out the quills n’ parchment just to ramble on about my fears!

Voldie, as he’s most popularly called by most Squibs (Every Wizard out there calls him You-Know-Who…  I mean, you never know when he’s going to show up and ruin your chance at being the life of the party!), seems to be awfully slow at getting Harry.  I know that he’s been hindered by Dumbledore and all that, but really!  If he were Count Olaf, the guy would be hunched over, rubbing his hands together with glee, laughing insanely!  But this isn’t the Series of Unfortunate Events, thankfully.

Voldemort has all the embodiments of an insane killer-on-the-loose.  And they think Sirius Black’s bonkers!  Voldie should really get his head examined, because there are definitely some screws loose in there.  I could just hear them bonking around against his skull when he was dashing after Harry in the Chamber of Secrets!

Let’s hope we can stand any more of his mediocre tricks!

 

When Paintings Talk

 

I was wondering after watching the third movie why the paintings move.  Why do they bother?  It’s just going to be the same view, the same thing, over and over and over again, day after day after boring, boring day.  The Fat Lady should really have a go at yoga-I’m sure she’d get a kick out of it.  Either that or she should REALLY take some voice lessons!!!

Sir Cadogan needs to have his head examined right alongside Voldie.  He’s dashing through the paintings, on a bunch of crazy notions…  Makes for great comedy, indeed, but worries me a bit.  A knight in shining armor shouldn’t be knocking people out of windows, or especially letting a crazy killer into the Gryffindor dorms!  It’s just uncalled for, as well as totally against the Knight’s Code, first developed by King Arthur and his Round Table!  And he should make doubly sure his armor is thick enough, because one of these days, someone’s going to want to really kill him.

 

Examining Ron

 

Ronald Weasley seems nice enough, but I’m not sure that I could take all the taunting about his family’s financial status if I were him!  Half the time he’s scared half to death, and half the time he’s spawning crazy-but clever-ideas.  Who else could play a mad-hatter wizard’s chess game?

His unfortunate arachnophobia is all too endearing, actually.  If he weren’t scared of spiders, I think he may actually be brave under all that quivering bundle of nerves!  He may want to get some training in judo or something-because I think it may totally come in handy!

He also needs to really get over Hermione being a know-it-all.  We’ve known that perfectly for five books now, and it’s not going to go away.  She’s a GKA, and we saw that in the third movie, so get over it, Weasley!

I wonder when he’s going to join the ranks of the pranks?

 

Examining Hermione

 

Yes, she exhibits a long-range target for being an annoying know-it-all, but the girl can punch!  Any girl who wants to be Hermione only needs to find someone like Draco Malfoy, get him up against a stone, and deck him one hard in the face.  It’s pretty simple, right?

Hermione’s character symbolizes a sex goddess just waiting to burst forth in all her glory.  You can already see in the third movie how antsy Ron gets around her…  Do you smell romance in the air?  I know I do!

 

Examining Harry

 

All I can really say about Harry, and I’m not trying to put him down or anything, is that this boy is going to need serious psychological help when he gets older!  I mean, seriously!

 

In Closing

 

All I want to say to close this is, all those Harry Potter fans out there really need to get a life!

 

Spending all your time glued to the screen watching a boy ride a broomstick is a little obsessive, and it’s surely not healthy.  Get out in the fun sunshine, and maybe even get a broomstick yourself!  Quidditch is pretty easy once you get the hang of knocking into trees all the time!

 

Don’t worry, I’m sure Jo Rowling’s sixth book is going to be great…  And I’m also sure it’s going to be ten thousand pages long!!  Criminy!

 

Well, I hope you enjoyed my dry humor on Harry Potter…  You now have permission to bash me over the head with cauldrons and broomsticks!